Have you ever had those whispers telling you that you will never amount to anything?
Or that the world is a much better place without you?
Sometimes I feel like that. I don’t feel as if I deserve my qualification, nor do I feel that I deserve such a kind family and loving partner.
But I’ve come to realize that those are lies we allow ourselves to believe. It’s tough to get up and look for the light (it’s always there), and is much easier to sit and wallow in these thoughts – thoughts that lead to the desire to “end it all”.
What if we approached it differently?
What if in those darkest of hours you thought of a single thing that you have now but always prayed for/wanted?
For me, there are many such things, which is why I recommend journaling so much. Below are three things I now have that I always wanted and wished for.
Firstly, I prayed for a patient, loving, honest partner who could laugh with me because, on better days, I do like to laugh. Not the hysterical kind of laughter where not even I know if I’m about to continue laughing or burst into tears. I’m talking about that joyful giggle that brightens my countenance. At work I know I can get serious, as I’m all about getting the job done while on the clock, but in my free time, please make me laugh until I can’t breathe!
Secondly, during medical school, I went into every single test defeated. I always expected to fail, but by God’s grace, I kept advancing to the next year. I completed my degree in record time and although COVID took away my right to walk across that stage, the degree is mine and can never be taken from me.
Lastly (for now!), I’ve always wanted a friend. A real friend. Not one out of convenience, or one who made me feel as though I was only good as a shoulder to cry on, but never for the cool/fun stuff. I’ve had many friends but few I can call on in times of need. I finally have that. Few things make me happier than those early morning calls that normally start with, “Eish friend, I really messed up!”
Just so you know…. I finished this piece off at a time when I felt so upset, misunderstood, and disillusioned.
Simply by reading this post, it made me feel so much better (counting those blessings really does help!).
A quote I’ve come to live by is that “Joy comes in the morning”. So it is that which helps me, I wait……..because ultimately, even the worsts storms will pass.
You’re never as alone as you feel.
Shirley
