Have you ever gone to bed with everything seemingly in place only to wake up to complete
chaos?
That happens to me a lot, and it straight up sucks.
Last night I went to bed with big plans for today. I was feeling fine, with no hint that I’d wake up feeling extremely out of sorts.
Those plans didn’t happen….
Why? Because this morning I just couldn’t get out of bed.
I slept in. All the while feeling useless and guilty.
Useless… Because I am a 28 year old graduate. Surely I needed to do more than ‘bum around’?
I needed to get up and work on getting better so I can try and become the contributing member of society that I feel I need to be.
Guilty…..
Because of much of the same. My parents are supposed to be fixing their finances, worrying about their retirements and
about my younger siblings.
Not me.
You see, I’ve always tried to be the one that didn’t give them grief.
I failed. Especially after their divorce, but it’s the thought that counts…..Right?
I focussed on academics. Retreating to the comfort of places found in the pages of novels, which coloured my childhood.
Until……. I fell apart and couldn’t keep the charade up anymore.
Until…… I felt too tired, too sad and too alone to put on the mask I hid behind for so long.
On days like today l feel betrayed by my own body and mind.
Why did the dam wall break down and flood me with all the emotions that I had done my best to bury?
Why couldn’t I just, let “sleeping dogs lie”?
Why did I need to deal with the past, right when I was feeling my most weak and vulnerable…
I don’t have the answers.
I mean, I can’t even muster the strength to take a shower.I have to believe that joy will come in the morning.
But for now, I’m staying in bed- stinky and all.
And that’s okay too.
You’re never as alone as you feel,
Shirley
